Remember way back in January when we had all these words, goals, and resolutions for 2019? Yeah, how are we doing with those? I'll speak up and go first, NOT SO GOOD... To be completely honest, I forgot what my word of 2019 was. I picked refresh for a reason and it was because 2018 was a very difficult year emotionally. I needed a refresh in so many ways yet I've somehow sunk in to a whole deeper than I am tall. Here's what's been going on and how I finally came to realize all of it.

I am truly overwhelmed right now. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and don't feel prepared at all to have this baby. Sure the nursery is put together, the clothes are washed and folded, and I have a list of what I need to pack in my to go bag. But there's some other things that I just can't seem to let go of like putting up bump dates on this blog and booking a maternity shoot. Especially the maternity shoot. You may be asking why I'm so obsessed with this. Well to be frank, I've done a shitty job of appreciating this pregnancy and documenting it. Once I go in to labor, it's over. There may be no photos to look back on to remember this time. Sure I can backdate some blog posts for bump dates, and I do plan on doing that but still, it's not the same as going along with the journey. I know I need to give myself a break but at the same time, I'm wasting time on unnecessary things that have brought a lot of negativity to my life. I'll spare you the details but just know that social media is such a life sucker. Anyways, just because this hasn't been the easiest pregnancy, doesn't mean I want to forget it. So there's that. Next, I feel so buried at work. I should be wrapping things up so I can hand things off for when I go on maternity leave, yet somehow every day I walk away with even more work on my plate. I'm in this struggle of wanting to do a good job and proving that even though I'm pregnant I can handle all of it...well I'm at a break point to where I almost can't anymore. Then there's this looming date coming at the end of the month that I am oh so dreading. The reason why 2018 was so hard. If you've forgotten or if you're new around here, October 25th of 2018 was the day my wonderful dad passed away. I've always promised to be honest here, so here it is, I am still so angry about it. I think I've overwhelmed myself with baby things and work things so that I don't have to focus on it but the reality is the day will still come. This event in my life robbed all of us of some wonderful things and I still feel like it's unfair. First and foremost for my dad. He had to spend the last months of his life in the worst way possible. He had to just look at his grandson from afar and never hold him. He couldn't eat anything for months. It breaks my heart how cruel that is. It robbed my mom of seeing Kai crawl around, going out and doing things with all of us, and most importantly coming home to her husband who she loved so dearly every day. It robbed Caleb, Kai, and I from having all last summer of adventures together and with Kai's grandparents like going to the zoo, road trips, the beach...even just family BBQs in the backyard. My dad never got to take Kai to a Cubs game. This was my dad's dream. To take his grandson to a baseball game. We had to spend our weekends sitting in a hospital pretending not to feel this hurt and anger. And you know what, it's still there. Maybe even more because now grandson number 2 is coming and my dad will never get to meet him on this Earth. The crushing realization of that is so devastating to me. I should have been working on letting go of this anger this year and focusing on positives. I should have let this anger out long ago but I've done the opposite and now I have to deal with it with a big ole baby bump, a mountain of work, and a lot of lack of sleep.

I realized this all within a matter of 24 hours. I went from just being so done with this pregnancy, to having anxiety about going in to labor from all the stress I'm harboring, to just coming to terms with I need to make some personal well being changes before I truly get to my darkest place. Then I remembered my word, "REFRESH." I'm not mad at myself for forgetting it, just honestly disappointed. When I think of this word, I feel so light and positive. It brings me a clear head, which is 100% what I need right now. I already purged some negativity that has been dragging me down tonight. I'm sitting here writing a blog post (crying, but still writing) because it brings me joy. Once I'm done rambling and I set this up to be posted, I plan on turning the lights off, no TV on, and hopefully getting a good night sleep. I've let go of the house needing to be cleaned and all the laundry to be folded. Honestly, Caleb is 100% capable of all those things and just because he might not do it exactly like I would doesn't mean I shouldn't just let it all go for the time being. Because I truly don't have the capacity right now to do every single daily chore that I use to do. I can barely bend down, I struggle to breath sometimes, and I'm just tired. But that's how it is when you're 34 weeks pregnant and I need to recognize that. This is the season of life we're in right now and there is so much good in it. I get to feel this beautiful baby inside me, see him grow, protect him, and have an excuse to just prop my feet up and have some things done for me. It's quite the blessing!

​So it's time for me to refresh my thoughts, get some sleep, say no to the non-essential things, and truly take care of myself. I hope you all are doing the same and remember what you set out to do at the beginning of this year, too. We picked these words, resolutions and goals for a reason 10 months ago...let's keep it up and finish out 2019 strong.

Outfit Details:
Blue Bird Midi Dress - Amazon (similar) | Bralette - Gap Body | Cut Out Booties - Target

Kai's Outfit Details:
White T-Shirt - Target | Jeans - H&M | Hunter Boots - Nordstrom

Going apple picking is one of our annual family traditions we do. Caleb and I started going before we had kids and I always hoped it would be something we would do with our children year after year. This is the second year we've gone with Kai and it was so much fun. He ran around the orchard, picked the cutest little baby apple, and ate a bunch of apple slices! Apples might be his new favorite snack! He also said "apple" for the first time after we got home that day. It was the perfect "fall" day activity...except it didn't feel like fall. 

We've been stuck in this in between fall and summer where sometimes it's cool and you can throw on a sweater but then all of a sudden it's humid and you're sweating. Finding things to wear right now has been...difficult to say the least, ha! This is my second pregnancy and I'm still against buying maternity clothes. They're so expensive and if I'm going to invest a decent amount of money in to my closet, I want to be able to wear it year after year. Well this dress that I got off of Amazon is checking all the boxes for me lately. It was such a good price, it's beautiful and comfy, and it's cool enough for this in between weather we're having. What's funny about this dress though, is it's actually not the one I ordered! If you follow the link I have above, it'll take you to the dress I ordered. Which is super cute...and I still want that one! For whatever reason though, Amazon sent me this one. It was backordered when I originally bought it and then this one showed up. I didn't even realize it until I went to link it for you all just now. I looked high and low for the exact link to the one I'm wearing but I sadly couldn't track it down. The one I linked (and thought I bought) is very similar though and I'm sure just as comfy! It's not maternity but it fits my bump perfectly and I'm so excited to pull it out again all next summer/early fall. It has an elastic waist and no zippers, so it's comfy for a bump or not!

Kai has been living in these Target t-shirts. They're so easy to wash and they're super inexpensive. He's really comfortable in them and they go with everything. We've gotten a lot of rain in the last week, so I put him in his Hunter boots just in case the orchard was muddy. They're so easy to slip on him and let's be honest...he looks so dang cute in them! He'll be wearing these all fall long and probably for the first couple of snow falls, too.

​Follow along on my Instagram for daily photos and lots of fun stories!

Hooray for finally being 30 weeks pregnant and in my third trimester! The bump has officially started coming out of my t-shirt that I've been taking my bump photos in. I'm way bigger this time around but that's ok because I'm so grateful to be carrying this healthy little boy in there.

Cravings
Pop...oh gosh it's terrible, friends! I'm so sick of drinking water and all I want all day long is pop. I crave the carbonation so badly. That's really the only consistent thing right now though. Food hasn't really been a pattern lately and I'm just trying to eat a variety of things that are good for me. My top choices are salmon and sweet potatoes.

The Not So Fun Stuff
I'm starting to get so tired again. My "2nd trimester bliss" didn't last too long this time around and I've started to get uncomfortable. Sleeping has started getting harder plus chasing Kai around all day is pretty exhausting with my big belly.

The FUN Stuff
The baby kicks have started to be more rolling across my belly kicks now. I love watching him every night just moving around in there. I can already tell he's going to be a wild, playful little guy. It's been such a fun journey to see my belly get bigger and see Kai be excited for it. He always points to my belly and says "baby!" He loves to give my belly raspberries, too. It makes me laugh so hard. We finished the nursery, too and it looks so good! I can't wait to share it with you guys. Kai loves to run in there and point at the crib and say "baby!" I think he's getting excited for his little baby brother and it makes my heart burst to think about him as a big brother.

The Medical Stuff
I got my TDAP shot this time around at the doctor so the baby will be all set when he's born. We also have another ultrasound scheduled in 3 weeks to see if my placenta moved. I didn't get a third trimester ultrasound during my first pregnancy, so I'm grateful we get to see our little guy again before he's born. My doctor has ensured me that 99% of the time the placenta usually does move, but the only way to tell is with an ultrasound. I haven't had any spotting, which is a really positive sign that it moved. The baby has also already turned head down! He turned about 2 weeks ago. I had a couple of painful/high movement days from him and I just knew he was turning head down. Hopefully he stays put now so we'll be good to go in 10 weeks!

Time for another bump date! I am officially 25 weeks and starting to feel so much better. I'm almost to my third trimester but I've finally hit that pregnancy bliss and I'm so grateful for it. Here's how we're feeling at 25 weeks...

Cravings
The craving for sour candy continues. I'm still obsessed and I'm wondering when it's going to let up!? I've also been on a cheeseburger kick as well as a spicy food kick lately. I absolutely love spicy foods but I really try to limit it during pregnancy because of the fear of having severe heartburn. Not a problem so far though and if that's what baby boy wants then that's what baby boy gets!

The Not So Fun Stuff
This little guy is a serious kicker. It's not the fun across the belly kicks yet either, it's the punch my pelvic floor kind of kicks. I didn't really have that with Kai, so this is pretty new for me and wow does it hurt. Sometimes I can even feel it in my hip flexors. It feels like I have a pinch in my hip, which is really uncomfortable. I've also been having some serious sciatic nerve shooting pains too from wherever he is resting inside which makes it hard to walk sometimes.

The FUN Stuff
Ok but baby kicks! Even though they hurt, I'm so happy to feel them. It gives me some much peace of mind and fills my heart up so much to think about the little human that's playing around inside my belly. Caleb can feel his kicks now, too, which is always a favorite part of mine. As women, we're so lucky to experience pregnancy and get these little babies all to ourselves for 9 months, so for our spouses to be able to take part in that small part, too, I think is very special. We've started working on the nursery, too! The theme we chose this time around is the Hundred Acre Wood. It hurt my heart so much to dismantle Kai's Up themed nursery, but now that the room is painted its new color, I'm getting so excited for transforming it for our new little guy.

The Medical Stuff
So I found out at my last appointment that I have a low lying placenta. It's not covering my cervix but it's within 2 in of it. I thankfully don't have any restrictions because of it but it definitely has me nervous. I had a vaginal birth with Kai and while I know a C-section would 100% turn out fine if I had to have one for this baby, it's still unknown territory for me. It's caused me a lot of anxiety but I've tried to pray and meditate through it in hopes that the placenta will move up and we can plan for another vaginal birth again.

Happy Friday, everyone! We made it through the week and we're really looking forward to a quiet weekend over here. I'm rolling it back (again) to a previous bump date today. I'm determined to document this pregnancy in any way that I can so here we go! Here's what was going on at 20 weeks...

Cravings
The need for sour candy this pregnancy has been so strong! I could literally eat a whole pack of rainbow Sour Punch Straws in one sitting. That is really about the only extreme thing I constantly want to eat in excess though. Other than that, grapes are up there. I think it's my body's best way of getting some form of hydration since water has been rough on my morning sickness.

The NOT So Fun Stuff
​I am finally getting over my extreme morning sickness but still get pretty nauseous every morning when I go to brush my teeth. I literally can't brush the top back section for more than a few seconds without gagging. I had my first case of lightning crotch already, too. It was only for a short period of time one evening, but it was enough to actually concern me a little bit. It went away with some water, walking, and stretching though. I'm still extremely tired, too...I feel a little bit more energetic but I'm definitely at that point where I'm wondering if I will ever enter that 2nd trimester bliss?

The FUN Stuff
Baby kicks! I've been feeling them more and more. Caleb hasn't been able to feel them yet, but I have a feeling he will very soon because this babe is a strong one! I've been able to eat much better these days and haven't thrown up in a few weeks, so at least that part is looking up! I've been trying my best to muster up as much energy as possible to really enjoy this summer with Kai and I feel like we've been having a great one so far.

The MEDICAL Stuff
We found out the gender at this weeks appointment! We had our anatomy ultrasound and all looks great with the little one. We had the ultrasound tech check for the gender and put what it was in an envelope. We'll be sharing in a gender reveal post what the gender is soon! This time around, the heart beat was in the upper 150s and the little one was moving around so much during the scan. It was so fun to watch!

Follow along on my Twitter account for my real life #pregnancytales tweets for some good laughs!