Remember way back in January when we had all these words, goals, and resolutions for 2019? Yeah, how are we doing with those? I'll speak up and go first, NOT SO GOOD... To be completely honest, I forgot what my word of 2019 was. I picked refresh for a reason and it was because 2018 was a very difficult year emotionally. I needed a refresh in so many ways yet I've somehow sunk in to a whole deeper than I am tall. Here's what's been going on and how I finally came to realize all of it.
I am truly overwhelmed right now. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and don't feel prepared at all to have this baby. Sure the nursery is put together, the clothes are washed and folded, and I have a list of what I need to pack in my to go bag. But there's some other things that I just can't seem to let go of like putting up bump dates on this blog and booking a maternity shoot. Especially the maternity shoot. You may be asking why I'm so obsessed with this. Well to be frank, I've done a shitty job of appreciating this pregnancy and documenting it. Once I go in to labor, it's over. There may be no photos to look back on to remember this time. Sure I can backdate some blog posts for bump dates, and I do plan on doing that but still, it's not the same as going along with the journey. I know I need to give myself a break but at the same time, I'm wasting time on unnecessary things that have brought a lot of negativity to my life. I'll spare you the details but just know that social media is such a life sucker. Anyways, just because this hasn't been the easiest pregnancy, doesn't mean I want to forget it. So there's that. Next, I feel so buried at work. I should be wrapping things up so I can hand things off for when I go on maternity leave, yet somehow every day I walk away with even more work on my plate. I'm in this struggle of wanting to do a good job and proving that even though I'm pregnant I can handle all of it...well I'm at a break point to where I almost can't anymore. Then there's this looming date coming at the end of the month that I am oh so dreading. The reason why 2018 was so hard. If you've forgotten or if you're new around here, October 25th of 2018 was the day my wonderful dad passed away. I've always promised to be honest here, so here it is, I am still so angry about it. I think I've overwhelmed myself with baby things and work things so that I don't have to focus on it but the reality is the day will still come. This event in my life robbed all of us of some wonderful things and I still feel like it's unfair. First and foremost for my dad. He had to spend the last months of his life in the worst way possible. He had to just look at his grandson from afar and never hold him. He couldn't eat anything for months. It breaks my heart how cruel that is. It robbed my mom of seeing Kai crawl around, going out and doing things with all of us, and most importantly coming home to her husband who she loved so dearly every day. It robbed Caleb, Kai, and I from having all last summer of adventures together and with Kai's grandparents like going to the zoo, road trips, the beach...even just family BBQs in the backyard. My dad never got to take Kai to a Cubs game. This was my dad's dream. To take his grandson to a baseball game. We had to spend our weekends sitting in a hospital pretending not to feel this hurt and anger. And you know what, it's still there. Maybe even more because now grandson number 2 is coming and my dad will never get to meet him on this Earth. The crushing realization of that is so devastating to me. I should have been working on letting go of this anger this year and focusing on positives. I should have let this anger out long ago but I've done the opposite and now I have to deal with it with a big ole baby bump, a mountain of work, and a lot of lack of sleep.
I realized this all within a matter of 24 hours. I went from just being so done with this pregnancy, to having anxiety about going in to labor from all the stress I'm harboring, to just coming to terms with I need to make some personal well being changes before I truly get to my darkest place. Then I remembered my word, "REFRESH." I'm not mad at myself for forgetting it, just honestly disappointed. When I think of this word, I feel so light and positive. It brings me a clear head, which is 100% what I need right now. I already purged some negativity that has been dragging me down tonight. I'm sitting here writing a blog post (crying, but still writing) because it brings me joy. Once I'm done rambling and I set this up to be posted, I plan on turning the lights off, no TV on, and hopefully getting a good night sleep. I've let go of the house needing to be cleaned and all the laundry to be folded. Honestly, Caleb is 100% capable of all those things and just because he might not do it exactly like I would doesn't mean I shouldn't just let it all go for the time being. Because I truly don't have the capacity right now to do every single daily chore that I use to do. I can barely bend down, I struggle to breath sometimes, and I'm just tired. But that's how it is when you're 34 weeks pregnant and I need to recognize that. This is the season of life we're in right now and there is so much good in it. I get to feel this beautiful baby inside me, see him grow, protect him, and have an excuse to just prop my feet up and have some things done for me. It's quite the blessing!
So it's time for me to refresh my thoughts, get some sleep, say no to the non-essential things, and truly take care of myself. I hope you all are doing the same and remember what you set out to do at the beginning of this year, too. We picked these words, resolutions and goals for a reason 10 months ago...let's keep it up and finish out 2019 strong.
Blue Bird Midi Dress - Amazon (similar) | Bralette - Gap Body | Cut Out Booties - Target
Going apple picking is one of our annual family traditions we do. Caleb and I started going before we had kids and I always hoped it would be something we would do with our children year after year. This is the second year we've gone with Kai and it was so much fun. He ran around the orchard, picked the cutest little baby apple, and ate a bunch of apple slices! Apples might be his new favorite snack! He also said "apple" for the first time after we got home that day. It was the perfect "fall" day activity...except it didn't feel like fall.
We've been stuck in this in between fall and summer where sometimes it's cool and you can throw on a sweater but then all of a sudden it's humid and you're sweating. Finding things to wear right now has been...difficult to say the least, ha! This is my second pregnancy and I'm still against buying maternity clothes. They're so expensive and if I'm going to invest a decent amount of money in to my closet, I want to be able to wear it year after year. Well this dress that I got off of Amazon is checking all the boxes for me lately. It was such a good price, it's beautiful and comfy, and it's cool enough for this in between weather we're having. What's funny about this dress though, is it's actually not the one I ordered! If you follow the link I have above, it'll take you to the dress I ordered. Which is super cute...and I still want that one! For whatever reason though, Amazon sent me this one. It was backordered when I originally bought it and then this one showed up. I didn't even realize it until I went to link it for you all just now. I looked high and low for the exact link to the one I'm wearing but I sadly couldn't track it down. The one I linked (and thought I bought) is very similar though and I'm sure just as comfy! It's not maternity but it fits my bump perfectly and I'm so excited to pull it out again all next summer/early fall. It has an elastic waist and no zippers, so it's comfy for a bump or not!
Kai has been living in these Target t-shirts. They're so easy to wash and they're super inexpensive. He's really comfortable in them and they go with everything. We've gotten a lot of rain in the last week, so I put him in his Hunter boots just in case the orchard was muddy. They're so easy to slip on him and let's be honest...he looks so dang cute in them! He'll be wearing these all fall long and probably for the first couple of snow falls, too.
Follow along on my Instagram for daily photos and lots of fun stories!
My Mother's Day gift this year was a mini photoshoot with Kai. It was such a special way to remember this Mother's Day...my 2nd one as a mother and last one as a mother of 1. We are so excited to welcome another baby in our a family and this is also where we shot our announcement photos!
I've always wanted to be a mother but since actually becoming one, I truly know that is why I was put on this earth. To be Kai's mother. The bond I have with Kai is honestly unfathomable to me and I've actually struggled a little bit emotionally with this pregnancy at the thought of loving another human as much as I love Kai. I know I will when the baby comes, that's a given, but right now, I honestly just can't imagine it. It makes me feel guilty in many ways sometimes. I feel guilty that I won't be able to give 100% of my attention to Kai, and I feel guilty that I even have these feelings with Peanut. But deep down inside I know, growing our family is one of the most wonderful things that God has blessed us with and it is all just going to fall in to place as time goes by. There is not a love in this life that is remotely comparable to the love you feel for your children, and it is pure magic.
*Photos courtesy of Hallie Duesenberg.
Wow guys it's been quite awhile since I've been on here and not only am I sorry for that but I really miss writing on here and connecting with all of you! Life has been so crazy lately that it has forced me to slow down in some areas, which includes Tiny Dapper Fox and social media. But that's life right!? I feel like I'm finally entering that second trimester bliss where I'm getting some energy and motivation back so I plan to take full advantage of it while it lasts! So my plan is to start posting a whole lot more. This is my creative outlet and you all are truly my family. So in the spirit of getting things going again, I thought I'd just do a little post on what we've been up to the last few couple of months since we obviously have had some big changes happen!
Caleb and I both have started new jobs in the last few months. We're both with our same companies we've always been with but have taken steps further in our careers, and couldn't be more excited about it. Caleb is working in a more analytics based field now, which is so great for him because he is a numbers guy and loves that kind of stuff. As for me, I am now a Project Manager! This role is where I've been wanting to end up for about 2 years now. I applied for the job back in December and after a long interview process, was offered the job back in April. I had to split my time with my old job until May, and for the last couple of months, I've just dived in to my new role. I'm loving it so much and while it can be really tiring at times, it's been wonderful. I get to travel a little bit for this job now, too. I was in Phoenix, AZ for most of last week for some training/work. I'm currently running 3 projects right now and every day I'm so excited for the challenge that this new opportunity is presenting me with.
So if you didn't see my last blog post from a couple of weeks ago, I'm pregnant again! We're expecting baby #2 around Thanksgiving, which puts me at 18 weeks right now. This pregnancy hasn't really been a cake walk, especially with having a 1 year old to take care of + starting a new job. All good things, all good things, but it can be exhausting at times. I was very sick during my first trimester and actually had to be on progesterone for about 6 weeks, which I believe made me even sicker. I'll be doing a full recap of my first trimester soon with all the deets. But it hasn't been all bad! I started feeling tiny little baby kicks around 15 weeks, I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, and Kai is fascinated by my growing belly. We're so excited to be growing our family and are really looking forward to the holidays this year!
So we haven't been going on too many adventures with me not feeling so great the last few months, but once in awhile I try my hardest to muster up some energy and get out of the house. We went to the Chicago Botanic Garden for Mother's Day, we've been to a few Cubs games, Kai started swim lessons, and we've taken a couple of day trips up to Milwaukee. It's been really cold for summer here in Chicago with lots of rain, so honestly we've just been trying to have as much fun at home as possible with movie marathons, gardening, and letting Kai just use his imagination. Speaking of movies though, last weekend we took Kai to see his first movie in theaters...Toy Story 4! We were brave and tried it out with him and he did surprisingly well!
Caleb has been amazing and has kept our house running these last few months, so I don't have too much to report on house stuff. The office is still coming along (the built-ins are done but not decorated...fail on me), we're re-doing some things for our deck, and I still haven't really transitioned the house from spring to summer yet. That's kind of my goal for this weekend if I'm feeling up to it though! We have gotten outside as much as we can to do yard stuff and gardening, so our outside is really coming along.
I think that about sums it up! Just lots of resting and trying to survive is really the name of the game these last few months, but that's ok. That's the season of life we're in and we're trying to embrace it the best we can. What have you all been up to lately? Share with me some exciting things in the comments below!
Hiiiii there! I know it's been quite some time since I've been on here, but I was just feeling a much needed break from the internet this summer. I've sporadically posted to Instagram and have been 100% MIA from this blog, but for good reason. I've simply just been soaking up all the time possible with Kai and it really has been incredible. We had the most amazing summer and I'm so grateful for each and every day of it. However, I miss documenting our life and connecting with all of you on here! This pregnancy has had it's ups and downs, for sure, but I still am determined to document it because it's still all just so wonderful. I had all these posts planned out and just never got to them. But that's ok...you all are just going to have to bare with me through the next couple weeks of bump dates while I catch up! I did these with my pregnancy with Kai and they are something I still love to look back on. So let's rewind all the way back to May today...
HOW WE FOUND OUT ABOUT BABY #2
We found out back at the end of March...March 28th to be exact, that we were welcoming another baby in to our family! Back in the middle of March, I had officially stopped nursing Kai, so my periods were still all over the place. Per my Flo app though, I was a week late. The following day I was going to be heading to Nashville for a bachelorette party, so I figured the responsible thing to do was the take a pregnancy test, just to be sure it was ok for me to drink that weekend. I was about 50/50 on thinking I was pregnant. I'd taken some pregnancy tests on and off during Kai's first year due to late periods, but like I said, they were late thanks to breastfeeding. So I was kind of expecting it to be negative. On the flip side though, that week I had started having some really weird dreams. I never remember my dreams, but when I was pregnant with Kai, I remembered so many them. And they were all so strange! So because of that, I was a little dubious. Caleb, Kai, and I were laying in bed and it was dinner time. So Caleb got up and took Kai down to make dinner, and I told them I'd be right down because I was going to take a pregnancy test real quick. So I did the thing, waited the 3 minutes and went to check. I was honestly shocked...it was POSITIVE! I just silently walked downstairs with the stick still in my hand. Caleb looked at me with it and said, "wait, are you serious?!" He picked me up and kissed me a hundred times and was so excited. We told Kai he was going to be a big brother...not sure how he felt about it at the time per the photo above, ha! (Just kidding...that was taken at bedtime awhile after, so naturally he didn't want to do a photo session). We were so elated and surprised and went to bed that night on total cloud 9.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY
I had a wonderful time in Nashville after finding out I was pregnant...no seriously, I did. It was my last good weekend for awhile! The day after I got back from my trip, the nausea set it. I had entered the 6th week at that point, and wow it hit me hard. My entire first trimester I was nauseous and threw up in the mornings. The thing that always triggered me getting sick was brushing my teeth.
I had such low energy but I refused to take time away from Kai. I was also offered my new job the week after I found out I was pregnant, and started only a week after that. My stress and anxiety were through the roof. Before I got pregnant, I had decided to wean off my antidepressants since I was stopping our breastfeeding journey. I had been feeling great for awhile, so I decided it was time to get off of them. When finding out I was pregnant, I made the decision to continue to wean off of it. However, there were many moments of doubt in this decision thanks to all the anxiety and emotions that set in throughout my first trimester. I was a complete mess. I was never this emotional during my pregnancy with Kai and it honestly scared me. I almost went back on the medication but decided to try to ride it out and see what the 2nd trimester would bring. I would be so happy we were having another baby for days and then all of a sudden I would get sad and worried. I remember thinking, "how can I love another human as much as I love Kai?" I can't verbally explain the amount of love I have for Kai so to love another person that much was just unfathomable to me. I also felt like there was thinking ticking clock now of it just being Kai in our life. Like time was running out with him. Then there were, sad to say, the resentment thoughts. I was really hoping to have my body back to myself for awhile after breastfeeding Kai for 14 months. Then of course I would get upset with myself for feeling that way. So as you can see, I was just all over the place. Looking at all of it, it's completely normal, but that's never something you want to accept and be ok with no matter how normal it is. However, deep down I wanted this baby so bad and it made my heart so full to know we would be having two tiny humans in our life now.
The toughest part of my first trimester though, and I think the biggest contributing factor to all the hard stuff was after my confirmation appointment, we found out my progesterone was low. It was just barely low, but still not where it should be to sustain the pregnancy on its own. So I had to start taking progesterone pills on a nightly basis. This scared me to no end. While I was so sick, tired, and sad, the thought of losing our baby shattered my heart any time I thought about it. I would endure those days ten fold to keep this little one safe and sound inside of me. We saw the perfect little heartbeat on our first ultrasound at 7 weeks and I would do anything in the world to keep that heart going.
In total, I lost 8 lbs my first trimester but started showing around 9 weeks. It was probably mostly just bloat but I could tell a huge different in my belly growth this time around compared to my first pregnancy. I popped way sooner this time around. All in all, it was a rough first trimester but we made it out with a safe and healthy baby! No more progesterone after week 12 and things slowly started to turn around.
HOW WE TOLD OUR FAMILY + FRIENDS
We told our parents the night we found out that we were having Peanut...that's this baby's nickname. This is typically something I would prefer to do in person, but I wouldn't be seeing my mom that weekend due to my trip to Nashville. So we had to resort to the next best thing...FaceTime. We called her and told her that Kai was going to be a big brother followed by Caleb's mom and dad. Caleb and I have never been big grandiose announcement people and we're honestly too excited to wait and put something huge together. We prefer in the moment happiness and excitement, so telling our parents right away was just perfect for us. We told the rest of our family the big news at Easter, so right around the 9 week mark. We slowly started to tell our close friends all throughout my first trimester and the love and support we received was incredible.
I think that about sums it up...throwing up, crying, and sleeping were my first trimester in a nutshell...pretty textbook, huh? Oh and my show of choice this time around was Parks and Rec...I think I made it through the series twice during that time, ha!
I’m Diana; curator & author of Tiny Dapper Fox. Here you’ll find posts on motherhood, home life, travel, & fashion/beauty as well as City Guides for places all around the world. Make yourself cozy and let’s be friends!
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